One Mans Words Exposed

One Mans Words is what I received from a person that I have met and he found the power to pen his message and share it with me. His words are too common these days and as I move forward with Out of the Cave I hope these types of post inspire to act by writing down their frustrations and sharing as this gentleman has done.

One Mans Words

 

One Mans Words

 

 

Here is his story.

 

I have failed on so many occasions, as a boyfriend, brother, friend, a son, a father and previously as a husband.

As a man in this current crazy world, I never seem to say or do the right things.

I don’t have the fit muscular body I may once have had ,but what I have seems to of worked for me at this time of my life until my injury…where I herniated the L3-L4 which at one stage desperately required a lumbar discectomy…to only be sent home and have it drag on and on . Prescription medication numbing the pain and mind. Having me so out of it on a cocktail of pain meds that had me ready to take my own life.

I’m one of the ugliest blokes in the world, I accept that, but for me, I have been happy ENOUGH! And I am proud that I am ME. No bullshit me.

I have scars on me that reflect my past… I have ink to commemorate those I have lost and those I love most.

Most of the time I put up the “I’m strong” .(someone once taught me ..Fake it til ya make it) I submerge myself into making everyone’s world better than mine….maybe I see it as if I can help that 1 person to have a better life than I have had … I don’t think that’s a bad quality!

I have grown from things that should have broken me. Severe assault…possible HIV, hep c wait after it…on more than 1 occasion. Maybe PTSD is real, yet men don’t talk about it.

I’ve witnessed things that people should never have to see…fatalities in and around me. near misses …close call with 5 kids on a bridge doing 100k and still clipping the boys feet …I’ve been thru seeing death up close at a number of occasions, involved in, first on-site …missing a car inside boom gates by less than a metre …I’ve been through it and some.. at fatalities more than once including my own.

A small number of people I believe may actually love me, some like me, more than likely you are in the 98% that most likely hate me.

I am loyal and give u my all… I will be there for u .when you think no one else is… yet still id rather see you smile then u see thru to my pain, my tears, my lost soul

I think I have tried to do plenty of good in my life…I’ve given to charities …

I’ve stopped and helped others laying beside a road or where ever I can including when I was separated and living on can food gave my last 10 bucks to a homeless man…because he was doing it tougher than me.

I’ve spent time giving back to the community…volunteering as a JP, on committee’s, in the belief one day life will appreciate and accept what I have to offer.

I have done things, I’m not proud of and at times I have treated people poorly, this I truly regret.

The way I have made them feel. (If you are one of those people… I sincerely apologize)

I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I am who I am, maybe it’s true and I am unlovable. Been told that for 3/4 of my life

Maybe I bare the scares from my childhood … sexually abused, foster homes, church emergency accommodation..demons then demons now.

However, if I love you or even say to u I love u, I give to you with all my heart!❤️ I offer you all of me and I fall completely.

I make no apologies for WHO I am.

At the end of the day, when my calling comes, I pray and ask the Lord have I done enough.? Am I good enough and have I attempted to make peace with those I have hurt…have let down ..treated poorly…to receive forgiveness from the lord almighty?

I’m not perfect and never have pretended to be, my intentions have always been honest and with only the best intentions and to give my all…the very best I have.

My heart is pure and I love hard with all I’ve got…this though means that I fall harder and the heartbreak takes longer to heal every time.

I have failed at relationships, parenting, mateship…someone use to remind me every day when we were together ” your nothing but housing commission scum”..14 years I heard that!

I guess at the end of the day, I have truly lived up to those expectations.

Yet we wonder why men’s suicide rate is so high!!!

It was truly heartbreaking and forever hurtful ..as I have worked every single day of my life to provide for my children …at times 2 jobs the railway then straight to the bottleshop working 16 hour days up to 3 times a week …even to this very day I pay near $600 a fortnight child support.

PLEASE don’t ever accuse me of shirking my responsibility to pay my way…

Mrs X has remarried and had another child in her 40’s to a fella in his 50’s so this which I didn’t expect doubles, my child, support. As she is able to say nil income ..even though their net worth is 3.5 million

Through her control and manipulation, it continues to let her win again…especially considering on my first Xmas without my children 04/05 I had to work…on that day I was a transit officer … there were many cancelled train services and I was deployed to EJ …

Old mate had flown in as a FIFO…he was tired …he wanted to see his kids …he pulled from his duffle bag a knife … I said to mate if I could drive a train id luv to make ya day …he was compliant and relaxed and was happy to put the knife away…unfortunately it made me late to the agreed time of picking up my children at 3…( had to do police statements) Eventually I arrived around 4 pm to her saying I had now needed to have them home at 530 as they had dinner plans… I got 1.5 hours on Xmas day… I didn’t want an argument so I complied dropped em home and went home. Upon arrival, my phone was ringing it was the ex to abuse me for my choices of presents I gave each child… I had spent $120 for the 3 each as I was doing it tough. I asked to speak to me and was refused I drove around to talk

Standing at open but locked screen door in the distance I could hear sirens. Approaching quickly when I realised they were in the driveway and the young female constable had her gun drawn and her sights were firmly set on me…

Yep, a knife and a gun pulled on the very same Xmas day on me…

Yet we wonder why men’s suicide rate is so high!!!

Yet still, I can’t see my boy ….talk to him…that’s what leaves you with such a shattered and a broken heart …and as for child support.

Our legal system sits and watches these malicious women cause this damage.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my beautiful daughter since she was 16 ..nor have I ever been invited to share her 18th her 21st …to watch her grow …and then in 2017 my oldest and I plan an overseas trip…which I’m happy to pay for …(except his spending money)… then out of blue …he doesn’t message wont reply wont answer phone calls …again I’m lost ……yet still he visits his mother …(money chain wins)

Yet we wonder why men’s suicide rate is so high!!!!

Damn even my yr 12 school adviser told me I was headed for either …jail or the unemployment line ..when I finished school…

At least I never disappointed her…all be it I kept the monsters locked up at night …

The world is dark…sitting another new years eve home alone with nothing but pain and thoughts of joining the dark side ….yearning for eternal peace …another year of battling the demons.

I watched a story, once on a young footballer who took his own life …his mum saying at the time she was angry with him…but then i quote her she said
” suicide is not selfish, who are we to judge …when we ourselves have never felt that low”

When everyday u wake to fight the same demons you fought all day and that left you sleepless and so tired the night before!

Yet we wonder why men’s suicide rate is so high!!!!

This is just an extract of what is my story …

One day when I’m gone it will come to light …the most abusive manipulative person who tortured me every minute is the true domestic violence that occurs yet never is seen

Or maybe it stays here in the dark with me…

All the friends and family that message and offer support I thank each of you….it does for those few valuable seconds help and make you believe that it will all get better and it will go away…

Its the time though, when your days and nights are all alone when you have no visitors …u have no purpose …u question on the nights u lay awake what demons will come tomorrow…

And you slowly day by day, get more and wearier and you lose the strength or even the will to continue to fight the demons..

That’s when you know … you’re at the point closing in on you …where you just can’t do it anymore and you plan for eternity.

But you wake the next morning and take a deep breath.

Ready to put on the best acting of my life, smiling and joking with workmates, as for here, you gain some respite from the demons the darkness and you hold your secrets in.

Til the day…the demons come and take me away…I am not afraid of that day.

 

Powerful I know here is another article that may help you as well or read other information at Movember, it’s not just about Mo

Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on linkedin
LinkedIn
Share on pinterest
Pinterest
Share on digg
Digg
Share on email
Email